Not To Be Repeated Casually
Author: Am-Chau Yarkona
Rating: R
Summary: A reply to Leigh's random pairing challenge. Klinger has a problem, which he shares with Sidney.
Disclaimer: These are not my characters.
Pairing: Klinger/Sidney (as requested)

Special thanks to Britt, who was there when I needed her and made this story what it is.


The tap on the door was soft. "Come in," Sidney called, wondering who it was but not quite ready to look up from the letter he was writing.

A short pause, and then the creak of the door opening—and a silky rustle that told him who to expect as he laid the paper face down on the bed and turned around.


"Hello yourself, Major," the corporal responded, swirling the flowing skirt of his red dress as he sat down, elegantly, purse balanced on his knees.

"What can I do for you today?"

"I've been having dreams," Klinger said, leaning forward intently. "Weird dreams. Disturbing dreams."

"Oh?" Sidney's voice was gentle. "Tell me about them."

"You won't tell anyone?"

"Of course not."

"You won't give me a dishonourable discharge?"

"No, I won't," Sidney reassured, wondering where this was going.

"They're about…" Klinger began, seriously, and then his eyes went wide—acting. "I dream about fish. All the time, fish. Fish in the sea. Fish in my bed. Fish eating me. Eating fish. I'm going crazy, Major."


"That's right. I can't escape them!" Klinger cried, getting more enthusiastic. "Fish everywhere! And now they're climbing out of my dreams… I'm in surgery. Someone asks me to pass them something. I can't see it—instead: a fish!"

"Klinger, I can't help you if you're acting."

Klinger stopped, stilled his waving hands and faced Sidney seriously. "You will help me?"

"I will. If you'll tell me what the problem really is."

Another moment of thoughtful silence, which Sidney simply waited through, watching and listening. "Okay, doc. I really am having dreams. About Hawkeye."

"I see," Sidney nodded, calmly.

"It's always the same, or nearly. I'm lying spread eagled on my bunk, like this," he demonstrated, lying on his back with his legs and arms spread, knocking Sidney's letter to the floor. "He comes, and we… he takes me as if I was a woman. And in the dream, I enjoy it. It's weird, Major. I mean, I know I wear dresses, but I'm not a woman and I don't want to be. And now I can't stop wondering: is it just Hawkeye, or am I… you know…?"

"Just because you're dreaming about having sex with him doesn't mean you want to, you know."

"But… I do. Sort of. I wasn't making it up when I said the dreams were coming into my waking life. In surgery, I can't stop looking at him, wondering what it would feel like to kiss him, touch him. And BJ, too. What it would feel like to kiss a man. Whether I'd like it."

"Curiosity is normal, Klinger. It's not something to worry about."

"But I'm not just curious, Major. I need to know." Klinger sat up again, looking into Sidney's face.

"Have patience. Normal sexual curiosity passes with time—you're probably a little stressed, over worked. If you take get a couple of days pass to Tokyo, go and see some nice girl there, you'll be able to stop thinking about it."

"Seriously, Major. I need to know. What's it like to kiss a man?"

Sidney laughed softly. "I can't tell you that, Klinger. It's not something I've ever tried."

"Have you ever thought about it?"

"Of course," Sidney shrugged. "Almost everyone has."

"I'm always thinking about it, Major. Always. I think about Hawkeye. About BJ. About the colonel. About Radar. About Charles. About *you*."

Sidney swallowed, reminding himself to stay calm, reassuring. This wasn't a problem. He resisted the temptation to move back, get Klinger out of his personal space. "As I say, Klinger, a certain amount of curiosity isn't only normal, it's healthy."

"Major, please. I need to know. Let me… do this." Carefully, Klinger leaned forward, tilting his head a tiny amount, and kissed Sidney.

Taken aback, Sidney froze; then, as he realised that this was a kiss, not an attack, he relaxed and began to return it, wondering just slightly why he didn't pull away. At first, it was odd and awkward, neither of them quite sure of themselves, but they were both moderately experienced—even if only with women—and the angles quickly adjusted to something more natural.

The heat built up between them slowly. Sidney stiffened again, unsure, thinking that he shouldn't be letting this go on.

He wondered how to stop it. With a reluctance that surprised him, he raised his hands to push Klinger away; but he found he didn't have to. Klinger was moving back of his own accord, leaving Sidney suddenly bereft.

"What… what was that?"

"A stupid idea," Klinger said bitterly, standing up. Sidney got to his feet as well, not wanting Klinger to be alone.


"No, Major," and the title sounded oddly formal next to the intimacy of seconds ago, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

Sidney swallowed, slamming his professional mask back into place. "Klinger, it's okay. It's not, I agree, something you should have done, but it's a perfectly understandable urge."

Klinger nodded. "If you say so, Major."

"I do say so. Sit down, Klinger, it's alright." Sidney sat himself, to demonstrate, and because his legs were close to giving out under him.

Nervously, Klinger sat as well, perching on the edge of the chair.

"I'm sure you know that it's not something you should repeat casually," Sidney began. "But since you've done it, it might be helpful to explore the meaning. Did you… are you glad you did it?"

For a moment, Klinger thought, and Sidney tried to quell the voice at the back of his head that said he was being judged. "No, Major. It was dangerous—you could give me a dishonourable discharge for it—and I didn't really enjoy it." He looked like he might say more, but someone knocked.

"Yes?" Sidney called.

"Excuse me," Radar said, popping his head round the door, "Major, have you seen… there you are, Klinger! Captain Pierce wants to see you about something."

Klinger looked from Sidney to Radar and back.

"You'd better go," Sidney said. "We can talk further later, if you want to."

"Thanks, Major," Klinger replied, "but I think I'm a bit clearer. See you."

With that, Klinger departed after Radar, leaving Sidney alone with a new problem to write to Dr. Freud about: "Was it just a physical reaction," he asked himself, "or just Klinger, or am I really homosexual?"