The Twelve Days of a Stargate Christmas
by Am-Chau Yarkona (amchau@popullus.net)

One: Partridge In A Pear Tree

"It's Christmas, it's Christmas…" Jack sang. Daniel gave him what he hoped was a steely-eyed glare, and turned back to present wrapping, which was proceeding with much cursing and over-use of sticky tape.

"…It's Christmas every single day…" Jack went on.

Daniel sighed, and threw a ball of screwed-up paper at him. "It really was a mistake to watch Monty Python last night."

"Why?" Jack asked, attempting an innocent face, which hadn't worked for years, but was still in amazingly current usage. 

"Because…" Daniel began, and then gave up. "Oh, hell. Sing away, Jack; I'm going to open the wine."

Two: Turtle Doves

"Daniel Jackson and O'Neill have been absent a long time," Teal'c observed.

He wasn't wrong; half an hour had passed since they'd excused themselves to the kitchen on the pretext of putting the finishing touches on the food, leaving Sam and Teal'c to sip their drinks in the front room.

"Something's probably gone wrong," Sam replied, shrugging. She rather thought that something was probably going right, but didn't know how much Teal'c knew or guessed, and wasn't about to ruin Christmas with a misplaced word. 

"Either that," Teal'c agreed, "or they are not devoting all their time to culinary arts."

Three: French Hens

"General," Daniel said, slightly desperately. "This kitchen isn't really big enough for three."

"It's George, son, we're off-duty," Hammond told him. "You go and talk to your guests, Jack and I can finish up in here."

Even Daniel knew a dismissal when he heard one. With one final lustful glance at Jack, he left the turkey to their tender mercies and went to talk to Sam, Teal'c, Janet, and the others.

"Everything alright, Daniel?" Sam asked him quietly, when the flow of conversation let her get a word in. 

"Fine, Sam," he assured her. "Slight case of too many cooks."

Four: Calling Birds

"It was fun," Louis told his wife, "I mean, for a work thing; I don't think you missed much."

It was a lot easier having only SGC people, he meant but could never say. All he could do was sabotage the babysitting arrangements and hope that the others did likewise, because to have an SGC social at which you couldn't mention aliens was very awkward.

"Talked about work, mostly?" his wife smiled, thinking of the office parties she'd attended at which the photocopier was the centre of discussion.

He nodded. "Our flagship team hogged the conversation, as usual. Bedtime, love."

Five: Golden Rings

"If you could get enough gold," Sam said patiently to Daniel, as he spread a blanket over the couch for her, "and make a 'gate, it would be…" She swayed, so he pushed her gently until she was seated. "It'd be… pretty."

"I'm sure," Daniel agreed. "Goodnight, now."

He turned the light out and left the room, feeling like he was abandoning a team-mate but much too embarrassed to do anything else.

"She 'kay?" Jack enquired, when Daniel stumbled back into his bedroom.

"Yeah," he reported. "Think she'll notice… sharing?"

Jack shook his head with drunken wisdom. "Nah. Too sloshed."

Six: Geese A-Laying

"You are the sixth member of the SGC I had have discovered in this condition this today," Teal'c said to Jack when he found him puking into the toilet bowl.

"No kidding," Jack said.

"Indeed. This aspect of Tau'ri behaviour continues to confuse me."

"You're not the only one," Daniel admitted. "I do it, and every time I swear I’ll never do it again."

"The Tau'ri are an illogical race," Jack said, then threw up again.

"Ten out of ten for observation, Spock," Daniel replied.

"Who is Spock?" Teal'c enquired.

"Anthropology expert," Jack told him. Daniel thumped him, rather half-heartedly. 

Seven: Swans A-Swimming

"We're doing New Year's as well as Christmas?" Sam said, slightly incredulous.

Jack nodded. "Didn't you enjoy Christmas, Carter?"

His second-in-command considered using the butt of P-90 to wipe the mock-innocent expression off his face. "Well… yes, sir, but…"

Seeing that she was going to need a little extra encouragement—probably still nursing that hangover—he dropped his voice and said, "We've got a bet on. Daniel's sworn he's going to drink me under the table, and I need an impartial judge."

"You might be better off asking Teal'c," she said, but she sounded less unwilling.

"And explain it all?"

Eight: Maids A-Milking

In the end, there were three impartial judges—Sam, Janet, and George.

"We'd better settle the rules before we begin," Janet said. "I saw some of these games at medical school, and the key is firm rules."

"You're our expert," George told her. Sam giggled softly but slightly hysterically.

"Okay," Janet declared. "Match each other, shot for shot. Mixing drinks is not permitted. Water is allowed, in separate glasses, but you have to match each other. The first one to be unable to remain on his chair is the loser. Prizes…"

"Have been negotiated," Jack told her. Daniel smirked.

"Begin."

Nine: Ladies Dancing

At some point, attention slid away from Jack and Daniel, determinedly doing shots in the corner. Janet and Sam undertook to teach Teal'c Tau'ri dancing, though they were spending more time leaning on each other and giggling than showing Teal'c anything.

"You'd be better letting me show you," George said.

"Or me," Daniel put in. "I'm not very good, but I'm very… hic… flexible."

Jack sniggered, and whiskey went up his nose.

"Cheat!" Daniel cried, when the mess had been cleaned up. "Janet, make him swallow one." 

"Alcohol is absorbed through the nose," Janet said. "Both of you, drink up."

Ten: Lords A-Leaping

"We won't really be able to tell when they're falling off their chairs if they're not on their chairs to start with," Sam observed, as they watched Jack and Daniel boogie-stagger around the room. "Try and sit down a minute, let's see how drunk you really are."

They tried. Jack fell over the coffee table on his way to the chair, but climbed up and perched on it; Daniel crossed the room more sedately but missed the chair the first time he tried to sit down. He closed one eye, and succeeded. It was adjudged that neither was sufficiently intoxicated.

Eleven: Pipers Piping

"D'ya hear anythin'?" Jack whispered. They were alone on the floor of Jack's front room; the others had abandoned them.

"Mus be Sam'n'Janet," Daniel replied. "Gen'al took acab, 'n' Tel'c's gone too."

Jack nodded, sagely, and then had to lie still and breathe for a minute while the room stopped spinning.

From the next room came a series of gasps and moans.

"They're havin' prizeseses," Daniel said, sounded puzzled though not upset. "Lu'ky 'em."

"Verra lu'ky," Jack agreed. "Wan' your prize?"

"Yeah," Daniel said, tried to roll over, and gulped. "No' now. La'er."

"You 'kay?"

"Pukey."

"Me too."

"'S normal."

Twelve: Drummers Drumming

Janet had been planning on using the pictures she took that night of Colonel O'Neill as part of her regular lecture to recruits, "What You Should Know About Alcohol And Why I'm Reminding You," but when the film was developed and she saw some of the other pictures she'd taken, she decided that it was much better not to embarrass a man who could be in command of some serious blackmail material.

Not that she was entirely lacking on that score, but that wasn't the point.

Hum… the game had good results. Perhaps she should challenge Sam to a match…

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